Circus
Sometimes I can not think of anything to write, yet I want to continue to honor my BE Obsessive pledge to write daily either here or on paper.

Circus Musings
That roar of people. Cheers and crowds. Jugglers and acrobats flip and whirl. It smells like elephant crap and peanuts mixed in a sweaty brew.

I wonder what circus folk are like? Would it be a dramatic life? One more interesting than the one I have? Would it be a hard life? Would it be unique?

Circus life. Life without fear! You'd have to be fearless to tame a lion, to trip the light fantastic on a high wire bar. Shoot from a cannon, smash in a car-1 5 people deep. Dumbo flying flying with a magic feather. A fire eater, a flame jumper, a ring master- what kind of life would that be? Is it better than school? IS it worse than hell? Is the fun mask worn by the clowns a cover for a horrid ragged existence? Maybe they smile to hide overwhelming tragedy.
How would you know if a clown cried? Grease paint, cracked skin, burning lipstick has to be uncomfortable. Happy circus, sad circus. Circus- what if you had to be happy everyday? Then at midnight tear down tents, smell stinky monkeys, and water the tigers...The circus.Link: http://www.artofeurope.com/seurat/seu3.htm

Whiten By the Waves
Whiten By the Waves

Crisp waves roll in land like armies of water lilies poised to encompass the enemy in precious softness. Starfish, odd bits of shells, polished stone, flotsom and foam whirl and twirl in shallow pools. Deep azure, blue flamed obsidian, and pale moon beam streaks flutter and ripple over oceanic waters. Beauty, comfort, night- close, enveloping, contrary. She lay on the deck chair, stretched, luxuriating, soaking up the rays. Her caramel cooper skin shone like aged pennies illuminated by a flame.

Jet skis, sailboats, swimmers, castle builders- sun bakers- worshippers of his golden majesty-Gone. They have all filed into late nightclubs, dining establishments, 24 hour sun tanning parlors. What was the obsession with Apollo's chariot, that day time emperor?

She looked at her dark hued skin. Her eyes trailed to the glorious, unabashed, luminescence of the Night Queen, that pale orb, that bastion of eventide. No sun bakers. No day worshippers, no wriggling agents. Nothing but the luscious, plush, cushion of darkness and the gentle fingers of moon glow. She held up her slender dark fingers watching the glint of white moon. No sun tanning. She'd sit whitening by the waves, relishing in the comfort of the moon.
by JLD

Top Model
I was watching America's Top Model tonight. I happened to be flipping through channels to find something to watch. Although I did not watch the entire episode, I was glued to the set when Tyra and her cronies gave their dramatic critiques about each participant. Of course they are in the fashion business and "know" what looks sale,etc. blah blah blah. However, their degrading banter struck me as annoying, stupid, and unrealistic.

One black woman was thin (by any "normal" standard of thin). She was beautiful. Her photo was awesome, she looked stylish, and by no means "fat"; she could not have weighed more than 125-150 lbs. The judges tore her apart! I cannot remember the woman judge's name, but she was some super model from the 1970s ( Janice something, maybe). I wanted to smack her! The first thing out of her mouth was, "What is she suppose to be a plus size model." She was just nasty! The black model looked much better than some of the other participants, and this nasty OLD judge slams her. People like that make me sick.

It's media like Top Model, Elmidate, Real World, Vogue, Seventeen, the whole gambit that totally help destroy "normal" or "regular" women's self image. They show women looking like tramps, half naked, willing to do anything for a date with (usually) some low life looser. Music video hoochies flounce and flock, and flaunt themselves by the dozens around music industry singers, rappers, thugs. Magazines constantly advertise clothing that no 10. 12, 16 year old should ever wear. It disgusts me the way women and even men are bullied, brainwashed,(whatever you want to call it) into feeling inferior if they are not rail thin whores or macho muscle bound pimps. It is a sad state of societal existence when cosmetic surgery ads, "mental health" ads, and skank videos are the prevailing, popular thing!

I am no prude or 1950s throwback by any means, however, there is such a thing as enough.

My Muse
Ray Bradbury is my favorite author. His work spans years and media. His movies, stories, essays all inspire me. He is highly artsy (point from previous post) and yet popular. Perhaps he would not call himself "artsy" more of a wordsmith, a craftsman.

I do not claim fanatical devotion! I do not know every piece of work he's ever written. I don't know his birthday or any of that overly obsessed info (no stalker I), but he inspires me to a level of craftsmen(women)ship and a true voice to my own feelings or insight. I read his book Zen in the Art of Writing. It blew me away. When I read Bradbury's work I remember eloquently stated purposes for writing or creating anything.

Some of my favorite Bradbury quotes:

"If you did not write everyday , the poisons would accumulate and you would begin to die, or act crazy, or both."

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."

"Let the world burn through you. throw prism light, white hot, on paper."

Silence
It's dark. Everyone is sleep. The soft computer glows brightens a corner of the room. Tapping and clicking echo through the space. Tap, click, tap, click. Rain drops fall outside the window and splash lightly on the metal of the air conditioner. The TV yammers in the bedroom, yet I sit alone. It's dark. It's quiet. It's peace and hell.

I like quiet nights. Wednesday is a good night. Not much is on TV. Most people still have to get up to go to work so there are few parties, loud fights, or blazing radios. Most of the people in the apartment complex are content to roll over and sleep.

I like quiet nights because there seems to be way to much noise in the world. Have you ever noticed that sirens, horns, commercials, screams, music, computers, fans, air conditioners, dogs, cats, people, lights, everything is so noisy. Most of the time it's simply the background noise of our lives- this multitude of crashes, beeps, blips, calls, and coos. But it is frustrating. It hurts. It drives me crazy (and I warrant it drives others up a wall,too.)

Noise is like a silent killer. It stalks us. We know it's there. We see it clearly. When it is gone we subconsciously recognize the difference. However, we never really pay attention until it reaches out to crab us and slash us in our sleep. Maybe I'm the only one. Although I know this is not true. I read an article in Time magazine recently about this very issue. It was called Too Loud, Too Bright; the article recounted the number of ailments that people are currently suffering because of all this noise pollution. I think it makes us dumb.

Sometimes I feel like TV or the radio or even a CD is far too much for me to bear. The constant barrage of images and noise. Hello, Tony Little and your Gazelle! If that man says one more thing ... screeching at the top of his lungs shouting us down, wearing us down with yelling. You do know that noise is a form of torture! Didn't the troops bombard Saddam with rock music or some such?

All that yelling, yammering about nothing, and flash info is making us stupid. I'm a highly intelligent person. I've been to university. I graduated from an Ivy League graduate school. For heaven's sake, I teach! But sometimes after a few weeks or even days of TV watching I feel like my brain has drained!!! All too much!

Every now and then (seems like more often the older I get) I like a quiet night. It's peaceful. It's calm. It's vibrant. Although sometimes quiet nights are depressingly hellish. When it's quiet I can think. Maybe that is why so many people can not turn off the TV, CD, etc. just cannot be quiet; they may start to think a little bit... a bit beyond ....

Love Cleverly Disguised as Chocolate
Um the sweet aromatic delight lies invitingly in its shimmering encasement. Its rich, sensuous, succulent fragrance wafts to my nostrils. Deep inhalations titillate the palette. Olfactory organs overload and wallow in heavenly scent.

A vision, a beacon of creamy happiness teases me- soliciting, luring me into its delicious embrace. Creamy, smooth ridges and valleys add dainty detail to this sweet pillow of dark goodness.

Concentrated cocoa hues contrast with the surrounding metal. Thin, slivers of light reflect, hundreds of shining lights, from the cool surface. The cocoa delight, pleasing to the eye, is framed to perfection- silver leaf frame for a deeply satisfying tidbit.

I succumb to its allure. I rush to its embrace. I greedily consume its essence. Chocolatey heaven! Bliss!

Darkness Saves
So dark. Blackness converges and cradles. Like black silk and satin it curls and swirls about. Slowly the darkness wraps itself around and through and over. Deep fabric waves, it strews itself like a mesh net trapping and straining.
Warmth radiates like black sun or new moon. It comforts and soothes. Safety, a dark matter cocoon. A harbored midnight in a midnight storm. Darkness stretches its supple arms, a fleshy nest. Its fingers cushioned bars holding Light at bay, holding danger caged outside. Tiny threads of white fluorescence accompanies Darkness. Like shifting snow trails, thy wriggle along Darkness' expanse. Like tiny white fireflies, the spackles adorn and bedazzle. The whites subtly sway and lit and wiggle. Like flickered electricity the threads swirl and entertain and protect. They keep Light trapped away while Darkness spread and surrounds and comforts. I'm lulled by the motion. I'm soothed by the silken cover. I'm entertained and infused by the threads. Darkness hums its tune, its safety lullaby. It coos and matters and reassures. Like a mystic hymn, a lyrical chant, its melody eases my spirit. Darkness and its electric companion shield me. But all too soon Darkness loses strength.
Pressures and noise, muscle and pain, conspire to wrestle me from Darkness' cradle. NO! I cling to my Darkness. I grasp for its companion. But, pain, painful Light snatches and claws. Razor daggers, Light's fingers gouge out Darkness's life. Like a vicious put viper Light sinks it jagged envenomed fangs into my Darkness,. NO! I cry. I scream! I bleed. Darkness is gone, gone. Light has poisoned and strangled Darkness. Through pain and push, by forceps and pinch, Light has murdered me! Dankness' arms no longer cradle or nurture; they've been savaged by Light"s fangs! Poisoned! Darkness! I cry I wail. Light betrayed Darkness, betrayed me! No safety in Light. No! For Light has crushed my skull, has murdered me! No! Light has betrayed me. It has killed me and 1.3 million others. Light has ripped me from my mother's womb, has aborted my life. Darkness protected me, allowed me to live, but Dr. Light has killed me.

A Fat Chick's BEST Friend
Delectable ice cream? Chocolate chip cookies? Diamonds? A BBW admirer? NO! NO! Not some joke, some cruel, mean flippant, or crass stereotypical slapstick. NO.

A fat chick's best friend is a swimming pool. Sure it may seem odd walking around a pool with skinny folks and beach body hard bodies sunning themselves. Some times it may be uncomfortable or awkward stepping into that swim suit and hauling oneself out the door with one of one's skinny mini friends. It may even be tempting not to take off that over sized beach towel(because of course a regular size bath towel won't go all the way around. It may even be embarrassing to hop over the side into the pool, who knows what tidal wave may ensue! But that deliciously cool, comfy pool is a fat chicks best friend!

85 degree heat blazes down. I sweat and heave myself around trying not to pass out! Shorts ride up my butt. Pants are just too hot. Dresses and skirts let the thighs rub together. The bra straps dig into shoudlers; anything else but cotton granny panties creep up the crack and cause a sweat! Far more uncomfortable than a few pairs of eyes staring at the far from thin body in a swim suit.

But the pool.. .oh the pool is terrific! Slip the first toe into the water, sink it in up to the ankle or calf. That slow chilling saunter down the concrete pool steps seems like and eternity, conspicuous. But the refreshing cool of the water begins to wash that away. Slip further into the luscious wave rolls, up to the chest, neck.... slowly adjusting to the frigid encroachment of the water. Finally bravery and an overwhelming need to submerge takes hold, sink under the ripples, chin, nose, hair. Everything so cool and refreshed.

Ahhhhhhh the pool. Why else it is perfect, a watery space of heaven on earth? Weightlessness. I feel weightless. Title the head back and relax the feet, the body begins to float up, rise and bubble along the top. Spread the arms and allow them to float of there own accord. Star up at the sky, smoky clouds rolling by, the sun off a space, water dappled with he shiny peaks and deeper blues- an aquatic weight loss program without the sweat!

The pool, it's beautiful. My boyfriend can pick me up and carry me along. I can flip and swim and float and hum. I can be cool and comfortable and enjoy the sunshine. I can close my eyes as I float on my back and listen to the sounds muffled by 12 feet of water. A fat chick's haven, a place where she weighs the same has the same mobility of every one else. A place where she can float and be carried almost like as when she was a child. A rippled, wavy, shining, weightless zone, a best friend.

Rejection = No= the difference between Now and Opportunity

Rejection is NOT a stripping of one's self worth. It is merely the time gap between NOW and when OPPORTUNITY form a synergistic relationship. Don't let NO tear down one's self esteem.

Mifraine
Throbbing, pounding, thrashing monkeys throwing crap against the edges of my brain. Elephants, trumpeting, stomping, kick and lumber against the confines of my cranium. Migraine.